Proper Earthquake Readiness

Pshh, flat-earthers. Amateurs.

Also, hollow-earthers. Double-amateurs.

I don’t even have anything to say on the subject of round-earthers; you guys are crazy, and also sheeple for believing the mainstream. No, the hottest and most scientifically verified theory at the moment is that the earth is actually shaped like farfalle. That’s right: a big old bow-tie, floating in space. Given the maths and studies conducted on the curvature, farfalle-earth is the only conclusion.

Anyway, go and get yourself an aluminium door replacement. Melbourne disaster theorists will know what I mean when I say that it’s going to be quite a big deal, because as earthquakes get worse, it’s going to be even more important that you have some sturdy door frames for shelter. Some people have gone for timber doors, and I respect that. Provided that it’s not some massive gateway door, solid wood is still a safe thing to use as shelter. I’m more of an aluminium guy myself, though. Nothing like a good solid metal door to make you feel safe.

The prevailing theory is that the farfalle shape will slowly amplify the force of every earthquake because of how it curves, meaning that soon we’ll be weathering quakes that surpass the richter scale. Obviously the only true way to escape is a door made of a sturdy material. Also, because of how we’re spinning through space with a vaguely Frisbee shape, it’s likely that we’ll be smacking into some space debris, which may start the farfalle-earth in a violent spin, so you’ll really need to be holding onto something that’ll stay in place. Think of those roundabouts at a playground where you have to hold onto the rails to avoid spinning off, except times a million, and that’s the whole planet. Spinning round and round, and if you’ve got nothing to hang onto, you’ll just go flying off to Venus or whatever.

Now, surely, you can see the issue with having a standard timber door. Replacement services Melbourne wide are about to be going gangbusters… any moment now.