This morning I got a frantic call from my sister, Cheryl. Evidently, she’s just discovered that Ernie has slightly inward-sloping feet, and she’s deeply concerned that he’s going to wind up not being able to compete on a beauty reality show when he grows up. At least, it was something to that effect – Cheryl was speaking very fast and in a melodramatic tone that didn’t seem warranted by the situation. But that’s Cheryl – the very thought of her five year-old growing up unable to perform death drops in platform boots is cause for distress.
Long story short, Ernie is booked in for a children’s orthotics fitting. Cheltenham podiatrists are plentiful enough, Cheryl can certainly afford the expense, and from what I can tell, there’s nothing dramatically awry with Ernie’s feet that can’t be rectified through timely podiatric intervention. I did my best to assure Cheryl that orthotics for kids are quite common these days, and in fact have been for decades, but I got the feeling she wasn’t really listening.
When it comes to common foot conditions and treatment, Cheltenham parents really need not worry – at least, not so much that they have to call up their siblings at six in the morning as though it’s the end of the world. I understand that Cheryl had her heart set on Ernie growing up to be a world-famous sensation and winning millions in prizes, but ultimately that’s his decision to arrive at, and five is probably a bit early. Besides, it’s not as though a foot disorder – even one of a more extreme variety – would necessarily inhibit that career path.
That’s Cheryl, though. She’s always been the consummate drama queen. Come to think of it, there’s no doubt that she’s projecting her own life goals onto her child. Think about it: drama queen dreams of her kid becoming the world’s most celebrity – more famous than any other before. Regardless, if Ernie is going to master death drops in platform heels, he’s going to need all the foot health he can get.